February, 2011 Monthly archive

If I tell you, to your face, that I hate you, then I’m probably pissed at you about something and I actually love you.

If I think to myself that I hate you, I probably am pissed at you about something but don’t like you enough to waste my time by telling you.

If I tell a third person that I hate you and am smiling when I say that, I am probably jealous of your work and your success and want to be as successful as you – I just don’t have the balls to publicly admit that I adore you.

If I tell a third person that I hate you and am not smiling, I am probably feeling sorry / pity for your because of the stupid things you’ve done. And I will never tell you because I like feeling sorry for you. And the mild irritation that you cause me, is entertaining in the mundane pace of life. Sometimes.

If I actually hate and despise you, I will not talk about you with anyone. I will still keep tabs on what you do and I will pretend to be indifferent if you’re in the same room, by mistake. I will plot and plan my revenge for what you did to me and probably never act on it. If I do manage to one-up you, I will gloat, for a while. If you make the first move and apologize sincerely, I will stop hating you.

I search for myself in those pictures from an era gone by,
And realize that I was never part of the crowd.
Never part of those fake smiles,
Those “sleeping with everyone” gossip sessions.

I mouse-click through your entire Facebook album,
To see if I might be there as a face in the background.
But I recall never being invited to any of your parties,
And even if I was, I never went.

It was so many years ago,
And it bothers me still.
That I don’t care,
That I wasn’t there.

Pursue not the outer entanglements,
Dwell not in the inner void;
Be serene in the oneness of things,
And dualism vanishes by itself.

From “On Trust in the Heart”
by Seng-t’san (d.606)